The Antidote to Entitlement: Why Seduction Matters in your Business and Personal Life
If you are a woman living in a city like New York, you are likely on the defensive and look out for male colleagues or potential romantic interests acting like a fool.
From pick up artists’ tactics to our own media over the years sexualizing the word seduction, most women are sick and tired of having their energy misinterpreted.
Well, I have found it very helpful for women to truly understand the history of seduction so that they can reclaim in both their business and personal lives. The history of seduction is more about leading someone along, meeting their needs and creating their fantasy. It’s about pleasure, not manipulation. We’ve let men destroy its meaning but you can reclaim it for yourself and use it to help you build better relationships in your life.
What is Seduction Really About?
Over the years, and certainly, since Neil Strauss published his book The Game, seduction has received negative attention. Spurring an industry of what some people consider manipulative pick up artists, seduction has become synonymous with ill intention and sleaziness. Unfortunately, the average person often misses the more sophisticated meaning behind seduction as a process – one that is often a very intellectual one.
Seduction simply refers to the social skills one uses to focus on another person.
Seduction requires you to have enough skill to stop worrying about whether someone likes you, to focus on their needs, to find out their desires, and to create a courtship that involves romance and sometimes a little bit of an illusion. It is not meant to hurt others (although there are examples displayed in our media about overly seductive personas using their skills for less than noble pursuits).
I have started to work with more and more men in my coaching practice who want to learn these so-called seduction skills. They think that seduction is a line used, a word choice, or a technique. While much of the pick-up artist community will tell these men that seduction IS those skills, they are not. Someone who truly embodies what it means to be seductive can say almost anything, do almost anything and still charm a date, friend, or community.
Seduction requires self-confidence and a healthy desire to learn about other people.
In today’s culture, we are so focused on ourselves that we cannot even begin to think about a long-term business or dating strategy that would use seduction to court someone into a long-term professional or romantic relationship. Both men and women are guilty of destroying the very thing that they desire. We all want to be seduced but rarely can let go of our fears long enough to allow someone into our lives with these skills.
So, to truly be the Boss Lady, we need to make sure we are not being anti-seductive. What not to do:
Asking someone out on a date or for a business meeting but not having a plan.
The great seducers always plan. They are thoughtful about the environment and take great steps towards getting to know someone just well enough to choose an environment that will help create either professional or personal chemistry. Whoever does the asking better well understand this process. It does not need to be an expensive venue but it should be conducive for whatever the purpose of the meeting is.
Talking about work before asking how someone is doing.
One of my biggest pet peeves in NY is the focus on what everyone does for a living or turning a business meeting into an agenda checklist. Building some rapport will allow you to collect the data you need to build a business or professional relationship over the long term. Those relationships are precious.
Spending too much time with the person when you first meet him or her.
This goes for both your business or personal life. Do not spend 30 minutes with someone at a networking event if you need to meet lots of people. Similarly, do not sacrifice your life for a date you are not sure is going anywhere. Your social network is your net worth and it must be nurtured slowly and with thought over time. Chemistry is often killed before it gets started by spending too much time with a work colleague or a potential romantic interest. Have some boundaries and realize that you should be qualifying people into your network not chasing them to be in theirs.
Not recognizing that a spark is just a spark.
I have sparks with lots of people and I am going to assume many of you do too. That does not mean that person is right for you either in business or your personal life. If you skip past the seductive process you will qualify someone into your life who is not supposed to be there!
Not having your own life.
Many dating coaches and matchmakers make it a point to work with their clients to make sure they have a life they love prior to introducing them to other people. Why? It helps manage anxiety, makes you appear more desirable and will help your relationship last longer. Most people do not realize that long-term relationships need space as well as closeness for them to work well over time. Having your own life and your own goals from the start will set the stage for long-term relationship success AND you will have more fun.
Having a passion outside of work makes you a much more desirable candidate for a job or helps your networking skills. Many entrepreneurs have creative passions often in either music or dance. DO NOT neglect your hobbies or forget to follow passions outside of your job. These interests make you who you are and will build both your persona and social networks.
Seduction is not a dirty word and rule out any man who immediately thinks of sex when he hears it.
In general, seduction should not be a dirty word. Our culture has become less seductive as we have become more sexualized in our media and with the advent of technology coinciding with the hookup culture. Those who are in the know about what seduction really often enjoys much more fulfilling professional and personal lives. They may be from another culture that does not sexualize male and female communication. Stay attuned to how men in your personal or work life talk about women – you will soon hear some themes that differentiate men who understand sensuality, respect, and good relationships from men who still think Neil Strauss is single sleeping with everyone (he’s not – he chose to get married and has a child!)
It is always a good screener in your personal life to ask someone what they think seduction is – it will tell you a lot about how cultured and educated a person is. Seduction is about sensuality and the other person. Anyone who immediately goes to some crude sexual comment is likely not a giving person and is not ready for you to qualify them into your life.